


anchor / shore

by lesbinej



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, mostly just them being bbys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 21:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15228216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbinej/pseuds/lesbinej
Summary: Karolina begins to realize her emotions are deeper than she realizes, while Nico makes some important confessions.





	anchor / shore

The thought of dragging through another minute without any sort of contact with the outside world maddened Karolina. Alex made them all dump their phones immediately upon running away (Karolina didn’t have hers in the first place--she didn’t know when she’d dropped it in between the fight with Jonah, being kidnapped, and escaping Gibborim), and though there was loud complaining from everyone, they all knew it was the best course of action. Everything that could be used to find them had to go--phones, watches, keys--even their clothes were traded for thrift store versions with fraying seams and holes.

Karolina had always been enchanted by the idea of a retreat from civilization, where you spent weeks in the mountains reconnecting your spirit with the earth and finding peace. Spending days in silence, burning incense, breathing fresh air, and connecting with your ancestors; it was such a romantic ideal that she didn’t even abandon it the weekend of her disastrous family camping trip when she stepped on a wasp nest in the middle of the night and cut the trip short.

It would’ve been nice, Karolina could admit to herself, if it was anything like that. In reality, every one of them was drenched in sweat from the California sun, they had no access to toiletries or the Internet, and they were on the run from their murdering parents who had resorted to kidnapping before.

Karolina drove herself mad with no distractions, nothing to occupy her mind but the memory of Nico’s electric lips and how desperately she wanted to lose herself in them forever. She wore her lips raw from pressing them, exhausted her hands with restless twitching, slowly descended into madness every time she fell asleep with Nico’s breath on her neck, her arms wrapped around Karolina’s waist.

Every hope in her mind was plagued with doubt. Every wish dried in the light of reality, every night Karolina couldn’t sleep because she could swear she could feel Nico’s heartbeat in her back, and she wondered what would happen if the two of them were left alone instead of being pressed together in the metal trunk like sardines in a tin can.

Somehow a flicker of hope still burned in her heart. Somehow, despite Nico avoiding Alex’s gaze and on the few occasions their eyes met, the hurt and anger was tangible. Despite Nico kissing her, she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Nico and Alex’s story was not complete.

The truth had been laid out days ago, that Alex knew exactly what happened to Amy and said nothing, and Nico’s fury at the revelation caused their abrupt rift. Karolina couldn’t blame her. _Would I do that?_

She wanted to say no, that she would never keep secrets from Nico, that she would never hurt her. And every time she thought that, the little voice of doubt reminded her that she still hadn’t told anyone Jonah was her father.

_“What if what I do is a part of that? What does that make me?”_

_“You know who you are.”_

Did she?

She didn’t know.

 

Rather than spend another restless night in Nico’s arms, wide awake until her mind shut down from exhaustion, Karolina found herself on the ridge their campsite overlooked. She had a perfect view of the horizon and the neighborhoods below, twinkling under the moonlight from directly overhead. The ocean glittered in the distance if Karolina squinted--a colossal force neither benevolent nor malevolent that simply existed, unperturbed by Karolina’s inner turmoil.

She leaned against a tree and willed her mind to still, willed her thoughts to be at peace. She practiced the deep breaths her mother taught her ages ago, as a method of meditation. Now, she just wanted her world to stop spinning, the storm to cease or at least to find the eye, for anything to anchor her to herself or else she might float away and drown in the tumultuous sea.

Karolina allowed herself a trembling breath, a tear, then two, and then she was crying. She was breaking under the weight of her truth, of her lies, of her world and the world she lost. Jonah was her father, her mother wanted to kill her, her real father had failed her, and she could never go home. She’d lied to herself for so long because her world of lies anchored her, but now that the truth--that their parents were murderers--had come to light, she found herself untethered and thrashing in the water for something else to keep her afloat and steady as her lies dragged her underneath their surface, waiting to drown her and bury her bones far within their depths.

A cracking distracted Karolina from her self-loathing. She dried her tears on her shirt just in time for Nico to stumble over the ridge, hair tumbled loose, a can of Dollar Tree chicken soup in her hands.

Karolina smiled weakly.

“What… what are you doing out here?”

“Realizing the reality of…” Karolina made a vague gesture to their environment. “What about you?”

Nico hesitated. “Kinda the same thing.” She sat down, popping the tab on the soup can and took a gulp. She stuck her tongue out at the taste and handed the can wordlessly to Karolina. The slimy pasta and flavorless vegetables tasted like nothing on her tongue.

“Is it Alex?” Karolina asked, passing the can back. She didn’t know the answer she hoped for.

Nico took it, but didn’t drink. “Yeah.”

Karolina felt the soup curdle in her throat. Not that answer.

“I’m sorry.”

Nico shook her head. “S’ not your fault.”

Karolina couldn’t argue with that. So instead, she looked at the ground, away from Nico’s face, away from the hurt and anger churning underneath her surface. Nico’s feet were bare.

“I know why he wouldn’t tell me,” Nico said, drawing in a shaky breath, “but I don’t understand.”

Karolina wondered if she was meant to provide answers. “He wanted to protect you.”

“He wanted to protect _himself_ ,” Nico hissed, her anger simmering.

“He was scared,” Karolina tried, wondering privately why she even wanted to defend Alex when selfishly, she knew Nico hating him was the best outcome for her. She knew Nico probably only kissed her because she wanted a distraction. If Nico hated Alex, Nico would be hers.

If Nico hated Alex, Karolina thought that the pain in Nico’s eyes might suffocate her.

“ _I_ was scared.” Nico looked directly at Karolina and her cheeks were red with tears. “I was scared and by _myself_ for the first time in my life, with no big sister to look up to because she was _gone_ . So I don’t care about what Alex _wanted_ , because it doesn’t matter. What he did is the same.”

Nico stood up to leave, wiping her tears on her hand. Karolina stood after her and reached out to grab her arm.

“Wait, Nico. I…” Karolina trained her gaze onto Nico’s, willed herself not to look away from Nico’s eyes trembling like hurricanes, swirling with both hurt and anger. But she had nothing to say, no words to heal Nico’s wounds. Instead, she thought of what Nico said to her on that night of the Gala, a hundred years ago.

_“What if what I do is a part of that? What does that make me?”_

_“You know who you are.”_

“You know who you are,” Karolina said to Nico now, hoping the familiar words would heal, or if not that then _something_. “And if you don’t, if this--this thing with Alex has you lost and scared, then I know who you are.”

Nico’s tears began falling freely now, her shoulders shaking. Karolina leaned down to search for that eye contact again, to soothe her own hot tears in her throat with Nico’s cooling touch. She reached her other hand out and took Nico’s, holding both of them in her own.

“And you’re not someone to let pain hold you down. You’re strong, Nico--strong enough to face this.”

“And what if you’re wrong?” Nico asked in such a small, broken, defeated voice that Karolina’s heart broke in two.

“Then...then I’m here for you. And I’m not going anywhere, and we can do this together.”

Nico nodded silently, tears still streaking her cheeks, and leaned her head into Karolina’s chest. Karolina instinctively wrapped her arms around Nico’s waist, pulling her in close and pressing a kiss to her forehead. How long they stayed like that, Karolina couldn’t have said. She was only aware of her nose in Nico’s hair and Nico’s arms around her and their heartbeats dancing around each other.

Finally, Nico took a deep breath and stepped back. Karolina sat back down and picked up the forgotten soup next to her knee, brushing away a fly on the rim. Nico sat down next to her, their shoulders touching.

“You didn’t tell me why you were out here,” Nico said, taking the soup.

Karolina thought about everything she’d wanted to tell Nico--that Jonah was her father, that she didn’t know who she was anymore, that her mother was evil and her powers came from something worse, that she felt lost and alone and that she was drowning in an ocean all alone because everyone she loved had turned away and her anchor had dissolved.

Those thoughts had no place here, with Nico drinking dish soap flavored soup, her eyes still red from tears. Instead, they were replaced with what she really wanted to tell Nico--that she’d rather drown than let Nico hurt alone, that she’d _gladly_ drown if it meant Nico would never be that devastated again.

“Jonah’s my father, my--my real father.”

Nico sucked in a breath. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Karolina said, plucking the can from Nico’s hand and draining the last of the soup before she tossed it down the hill. The both watched it bounce out of sight.

“God.” Nico said after a moment. “That sucks ass.”

“Yeah.” Karolina repeated. “I should’ve told you--told all of you, but--”

“Hey.” Nico set her hand on Karolina’s thigh, and it was as if her touch was some sort of release or a promise--it felt like warm sand that Karolina wanted to lie in after swimming for hours. Tears welled up in her eyes. Nico reached her other hand out and took Karolina’s, rubbing her thumb in small circles on Karolina’s knuckles. “It’s okay.”

Karolina stayed silent for a moment, half her thought process still absorbed in thoughts of Jonah, half her thoughts frozen because of Nico’s hand tangled in her own, the other resting on her thigh. The contact felt intimate.

“You’re not him,” Nico said pulling her hands back to twiddle them in her lap. “You’re not Jonah.”

Karolina laughed a humorless laugh.

“My power is from him. This?” Karolina waved her hand, displaying the bracelet keeping her powers inactive. “This is because of him.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Doesn’t it? I mean, I don’t even know how this is possible or where it comes from, I could be part alien or--”

“So what?” Nico interrupted.

“So what?” Karolina’s thought process ground to a halt. “So what? So everything! I might not be _human!_ ”

“So what?”

Karolina sputtered.

“How does this not matter to you?”

Nico leaned back, rolling her weight onto her palms digging into the dirt. “Wanna know the difference between Karolina Dean, the alien, and Karolina Dean, the human?”

Karolina couldn’t help but stare, trying to formulate words.

“Trick question,” Nico said, her lips quirking as she pointed at Karolina’s chest. “They’re the same. And it doesn’t matter if you’re glowing or not.”

Karolina hadn’t realized she was crying until she felt the heat on her cheek, until she shut her eyes and felt the tears between her eyelids. She hardly noticed the weight of Nico’s head fall onto her shoulder or Nico’s warm hands taking her own. Nico said nothing, which was probably better than if she had. Karolina relaxed into Nico’s touch--a far better therapy than any words, in her opinion--and let her presence wash away the ache in her heart.

They sat, leaning against each other until the moon dropped low and the stars began to extinguish their lights, leaving the sky darker and darker until the only light left was the lights in the streets far below. The ocean remained, omniscient and impersonal, far in the horizon. 

Karolina could pick out Nico’s hair (unbrushed), her eyes (still dark and gorgeous), and her lips (perfectly shaped, perfectly soft). Her hair still smelled faintly of her old perfume--it had never been a scent Karolina could easily recognize, but the only thing that mattered about it now was the tiny touch of familiarity, a reminder that Karolina had been long fallen since before Nico ever smelled like this, since before Nico withdrew into herself and changed. And through all of Nico’s growth (and Karolina had grown too--they both had), Karolina found herself more precariously perching on a cliffside crumbling into a deep, vast ocean.

She took a breath.

“I meant what I said. That you don’t need to hide.”

Nico looked up at her, curious.

“I’m not,” she replied. “This is... who I am.”

“No, I know.” Karolina laughed a little breathily. “It’s just that…” _I’m so impossibly in love with you that I’d rather drown than let you hide yourself for my sake._ “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide. With me.”

Nico’s face cleared a little and she smiled that soft Nico smile that made the ledge underneath Karolina loosen just a little more. Her thoughts flashed with vague paranoia that Nico actually _could_ read her mind.

If Nico could, it definitely didn’t work the other way around, because Karolina hadn’t expected Nico to lean in that closely, her lips tickling Karolina’s cheek as she pressed a kiss there. Karolina’s breath hitched in her chest and she turned slightly, pressing her own lips to Nico’s and drawing out a long moment of intimacy, of closeness, of the only solitude they’d been able to grasp at in so long. They kissed again, and again, tasting like ocean salt and warm sun each time to Karolina. The kisses felt like soft healing marks, each making promises of safety and refuge in each other, promising to wash away the blood in their wounds, promising that if Karolina had been drowning, that Nico was her shore, and she needed only to allow herself to fall, to let the ocean carry her.

Karolina felt the last of the earth fall away beneath her, plunging her into the sea below.


End file.
